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POINTERS FOR MEN!

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

Here is a guide to the point system.

  • Simple Duties
    • You make the bed..............................................+1
      • You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.....0
      • You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1
    • You leave the toilet seat up..................................-5
    • You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..............0
    • When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
    • When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom......................................................-2
    • You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light pantyliners with wings.........................................................+5
    • But return with beer..........................................-5
    • You check out a suspicious noise at night......................0
      • You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing..............0
      • You check out a suspicious noise and it's something...........+5
      • You pummel it with a six iron................................+10
      • It's her father..............................................-10
  • Communication
    • When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression.........................0
    • When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes.......+5
    • You listen for more than 30 min. without looking at the TV...+10
    • She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep............-20
  • Social Engagements
    • You stay by her side the entire party........................0
    • You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy......................................-2
      • Named Tiffany...............................................-4
      • Tiffany is a dancer.........................................-6
      • Tiffany has implants.......................................-8
    • When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly....................................................+1
    • When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain" and pat her on the rump.....................................-5
    • When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive, you say,"Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you".......................................+1
      • When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's attractive, you say, "Yeah, but she's lousy in bed".........-6
      • That woman is her sister...................................-90
    • You have one drink, and that's it............................0
      • You have more than a few & perform the tango with a poodle..-2
      • You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted...............................................-18
  • Saturday Afternoon
    • You go to the mall together..................................+3
    • You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car......................................................+4
    • You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar..............................................-2
    • You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it......................................................+3
    • You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional.....................................................0
    • You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk .......+3
    • Most of it chips and beer ...................................-6
    • You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den.........................................................+15
      • Or refinishing the floors...................................+16
      • Or rewiring the basement....................................+17
      • Or adding a second floor....................................+18
      • Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket..................................................-6
      • And you're tickled pink about it............................-15
    • You visit her parents.........................................0
      • You visit her parents and actually make conversation ........+3
      • You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television ..-3
      • And the television is off....................................-6
    • You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear....................................................-6
      • And you didn't even go to college...........................-10
      • And it's not your underwear.................................-15
  • Her Birthday
    • You take her out to dinner....................................0
    • You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.........+1
      • Okay, it is a sports bar.....................................-2
      • And it's all-you-can-eat night...............................-3
      • It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team.................-10
      • You go to a nice, pricey restaurant & hire a guitar player...+3
      • You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing..................................................+4
      • If you stink.................................................+2
      • If you're not half bad.......................................+5
      • You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much applause.........................................-2
    • You give her a gift...........................................0
    • You give her a gift and it's a small appliance..............-10
    • You give her a gift and it's not a small appliance ..........+1
      • You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate..................+2
      • You give her a gift of diamonds...+30
      • You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day..-10
      • With her credit card..........................................-30
      • And whatever you bought is two sizes too big................-40
  • Thoughtfulness
    • You forget her birthday completely..........................-20
    • You forget your anniversary.................................-30
    • You forget to pick her up at the bus station................-45
    • Which is in Newark, New Jersey..............................-50
    • And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast.................-60
  • A Night Out With The Boys
    • Go out with a pal ..........................................-5
    • And the pal is happily married .............................-4
    • Or frighteningly single ....................................-7
    • And he drives a Mustang....................................-10
    • With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)..............-15
    • You have a few beers........................................-9
      • And miss curfew by an hour.................................-12
      • You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call.............-20
      • You get home at 3 am.......................................-30
      • You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars....-40
      • And not wearing any pants..................................-50
      • Is that a tattoo??........................................-200
  • Her Night Out
    • You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from work....................................................+5
    • She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home late...................................................+10
    • You wait up.................................................+15
    • She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed.........................................................+20
  • A Night At Home
    • You watch TV together........................................ 0
    • You rent a movie.............................................+2
    • You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY................+3
    • It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout.......+5
    • It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep.................-1
    • It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool.......-2
  • A Night Out
    • You take her to a movie......................................+2
    • You take her to a movie she likes............................+4
    • You take her to a movie you hate ............................+6
    • You take her to a movie you like.............................-2
    • It's called DeathCop 3.......................................-3
    • Which features cyborgs having sex............................-9
    • You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.......-15
  • Flowers
    • You buy her flowers only when it's expected................... 0
    • You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the heck of it...+20
    • You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself.....+30
  • Finances
    • You spend a lot of money on something impractical............-5
    • Something she can't use......................................-10
    • Such as a motorized model airplane............................-20
    • And she got a small appliance for her birthday...............-40
  • Driving
    • You lost the directions on a trip.............................-4
    • You lost the directions and end up getting lost...............-10
    • You end up getting lost in a bad part of town.................-15
    • You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal............................................-25
    • You know them.................................................-60